Stand by Me

 I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anybody?

This movie quote from the coming of age movie by Stephen King has been resonating with me lately. Sometimes things happen in your life that lock you into a playback reel where you relive things over and over. For me, I think it was an accumulation of things. 18 months ago I relocated my family 3000km away from our home. It wasn’t the first time that we had to move away due to circumstances out of our control, but this time things were different. We are all older. My babies are teenagers this time. They are experiencing different struggles and have more on their minds then getting out of those pesky wet diapers. Although the move was initially exciting and adventurous, now that we are settled in and the glimmer has gone away, it is mostly just lonely. I’m not a super outgoing person, but I enjoy social activities with friends and impromptu movie nights. I miss not having my Tribe to help me work through my parenting fails. I see the pain most prominently in the tears of my 15 year old daughter who has struggled excessively this year with mean girls and rumours. I know that it is a part of growing up, and I went through it as well- but why can’t we all just get along? Why do people have to be so cruel? Why are teenagers so judgy?

A year before we left, one of my best friends from school passed away. Growing up there were 3 of us, Cindy, Rochelle and me. We met in kindergarten and stuck together until Graduation. Of course we had other friends, but at the end of the day it was all about us. We lived at each others houses and did basically everything together. If you saw one of us, chances are that the other 2 were not far behind. We laughed all day and into the night. We created stories about our lives and what we would be like as adults. We dressed up in Rochelle’s sister’s clothes while dancing to Prince and Fleetwood Mac. Life was simple.

After graduation we started to drift apart as we set out to find our places in life. The last time I saw Rochelle, my now 17 year old was a baby. I went over to her house and her daughters ran around excitedly showing me their dolls and toys. I could tell that something was off and that something was wrong- but I felt like the years of distance were preventing me from commenting on it. After all, my strong friend had been through much already and would undoubtedly come out on top. We spoke on the phone a few times, always making plans to meet up but we never did. Cindy and I fared a bit better with regular birthday dinners and celebrations over the years. When Cindy called me to tell me of Rochelle’s passing I was in shock. Numb. How could this be? I felt guilty for not making more of an effort to stay in touch. I felt guilty for not being a better friend. Hindsight is always 20/20 and to be honest, she had unfriended me on Facebook numerous times over the years…. I just kept sending friend requests, not willing to give up with all of our history.

I mentioned our annual birthday dinners. It’s funny how those dates from your childhood never fade from your memory. January 23, September 13 and October 9. Dates that I will always remember. Dates that each year for at least 10 years I had a birthday to celebrate. When we are young, birthdays are exciting and fun. On each of those dates I thing about my young besties and I see us as we were. Choking on the money baked into a cake, watching Ghostbusters in a theatre, or running around a dark basement with a pillowcase over our heads. This January 23rd Cindy and I were lost in our thoughts of what could have been. What SHOULD have been. Rochelle was so young and had so much to offer her children and the world. Rochelle’s oldest daughter just had a baby. She would have been so proud, and probably the coolest grandmother on the block… and she would have been so mad at us for calling her Granny. The cycle of life continues and she will never be forgotten.

Friendships are important. Friendships mould us and carve us into the people that we are today. We examine parts of ourselves that we may not otherwise do, because of them. When I was in my 20s I had a very smart friend who one day exclaimed that our friendships in our youth are based on where our parents purchase real estate and our friendships in adulthood are based on more substance and critical evaluation. Yes, Cindy, Rochelle and I lived in the same neighbourhood, but so did many other kids. Our friendship has lasted for decades based on more than just market value. I believe that people come Into your life for a reason. I believe that there is a divine intervention at work when we select the individuals to do our lives with. I believe that I will find my way home again and that when I do, my friends, both new and old will be there waiting for me- in body and spirit.